Tuesday, 25 August 2009

Hoe, hoe, hoe

I've got an allotment, and before you imagine you can hear the creak of someone jumping onto the bandwagon or think that I've gone all Joe Swifty, I've had mine for 15 years. Yes, back in the days when you were allowed a bit of convulvulus and sheds didn't have curtains from Kath Whatsername. I've also got a completely bonkers allotment neighbour.

'You don't find many of these around nowadays' he boomed the other day, effortlessly finding me as I hid behind the sweetcorn. 'It's really useful. Look.' Dropping to his knees he started stabbing at a row of beetroot.

'It's a hoe'
'You just don't find them anymore. Look at the workmanship'
'But, it's a hoe'

At this point he gave me the sort of pitying look I'd give him if I wasn't so nice (cowardly.)

'Why don't you get a handle put on it?'
'Now there's an idea. I know just the man for the job too. Real craftsman.'

Two days later he turned up with a broom handle stuck into the hoe. I was weeding on my knees with a hand fork, anathema to a hoer (which sounds a bit like an Irish lady of the night except that we don't get many of them on the allotments).

'I'd lend it to you, but you have to know how to use it properly' he said, just before the handle fell off.

Monday, 24 August 2009


I've just had an e-mail from Interflora to say Weeding Between the Lines has been chosen as one of their top 50 flower and gardening blogs. All very nice and flattering I must say, but also slightly mystifying as I haven't written anything for ages! It's reminded me what I'm missing though, so look out for a bit more from me soon.

Top 50 Flower and Garden Blogs | Interflora

Top 50 Flower and Garden Blogs Interflora

Monday, 9 February 2009

She's back

Ring ring, ring ring.

Me: (Forgetting to check the number display) Hello

Client: Hi, it's me. How have you been?

Me: Well I...

Client: Really? Wow that's great. Fantastic. Anyway, I've gone into property so I thought, you know, that you could do a garden for a little house I'm buying

Me: Into property...?

Client: All these repossessions. Isn't it great? So what I was thinking was, I'd like something ironic

Me: Ironic...

Client: Yeah, I want to tap into the zeitgeist. Irony is so right, at this moment in time

Me: So a rightgeist then

Client: What?

Me: Nothing

Client: I want you to do something involving we

Me: We?

Client: Yes.

Me: Us?

Client: Well, you mainly

Me: So who's we

Client: I don't know. Anyone's

Me: I think I can hear my...er...cat...

Client: We is really important

Me: (Humour her, humour her) Are we?

Client: No, no, no! We, we, we, we...God, it's not that hard. It's all over the papers at the moment. Did you read that thing in the Mail on Sunday?

Me: No, I don't rea...

Client: Well, you know, it's very current. Very now. You must have heard about we.

Me: We? Oh Wii! Do you mean Wii? You want to include Wii in the design?

Client: Well, yesss. Duh!

Me: Erm...

Client: Lots of it, and nettles and things. You know, sort of post-apocalyptic

Me: I'm not quite sure how...

Client: But the main thing is, are you listening?...it has to be ironic. Obviously ironic, not accidentally ironic, because that's what will sell it

Me: Sell...

Client: It. Yes.

Me: You want to sell the Wii?

Client: Who's going to buy we? It's of no use to anyone is it?

Me: Well, possibly, but I think people quite like them

Client: What's to like? You're not really on top of what's happening out there are you? You really should read the Mail on Sunday you know. Anyway, nettles, weeds, mobile phones, floppy grass, we, that sort of thing, but very stylish and minimalist.

Me: You don't mean we or Wii do you, you mean WEEE

Client: No I don't mean whee! I don't want a playground for God's sake! Look it up. Oh and batteries too, I want lots of batteries but not own brand ones, not Morrisons or Asda or anything, you know chavvish like that. Batteries with pretty colours. Duracell are nice, all that black and gold. Tasteful. I'm really excited about this. When can we start?

Friday, 30 January 2009

Return of the Native

Hello, I'm back! Did you miss me? No, of course you didn't. You've all been too busy suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. I know that's not exactly apposite but never mind. It's a wonderful day, the sun's shining, and all's good with the world...sort of.

So what have I been up to? Well, for one thing, I've started giving illustrated talks. Yes, really...I've got a projector and everything. On the whole they're going down quite well but I did one recently for an over sixties club which went a bit wobbly for a while.

My subject was the fascinating, sexy, irresistible Sir Joseph Banks (well I do lead a quiet life on the whole). I'd been going on for about thirty minutes about his voyage on the Endeavour with James Cook when a hand was raised. "Yes dear but what about today's traffic?" Apparently half the audience had been told the talk was from someone from the Driving Agency about their Arrive Alive Road Safety Programme and they were waiting patiently for me to get to the point. Still, happy ending. They've asked me back!

What's in a name?

I've just read an article by a chap called Tim Richardson in The Garden Design Journal about the importance of using the right sort of name for your garden design business.

While I was still at college I decided to get some business cards printed, but what to call myself? Now I live in a village called Loose and (very briefly) considered Loose Woman Garden Design. I can't help but think that if I had gone with that one I might have been getting a few more telephone calls than I am at the moment...