She's back

Ring ring, ring ring.

Me: (Forgetting to check the number display) Hello

Client: Hi, it's me. How have you been?

Me: Well I...

Client: Really? Wow that's great. Fantastic. Anyway, I've gone into property so I thought, you know, that you could do a garden for a little house I'm buying

Me: Into property...?

Client: All these repossessions. Isn't it great? So what I was thinking was, I'd like something ironic

Me: Ironic...

Client: Yeah, I want to tap into the zeitgeist. Irony is so right, at this moment in time

Me: So a rightgeist then

Client: What?

Me: Nothing

Client: I want you to do something involving we

Me: We?

Client: Yes.

Me: Us?

Client: Well, you mainly

Me: So who's we

Client: I don't know. Anyone's

Me: I think I can hear my...er...cat...

Client: We is really important

Me: (Humour her, humour her) Are we?

Client: No, no, no! We, we, we, we...God, it's not that hard. It's all over the papers at the moment. Did you read that thing in the Mail on Sunday?

Me: No, I don't rea...

Client: Well, you know, it's very current. Very now. You must have heard about we.

Me: We? Oh Wii! Do you mean Wii? You want to include Wii in the design?

Client: Well, yesss. Duh!

Me: Erm...

Client: Lots of it, and nettles and things. You know, sort of post-apocalyptic

Me: I'm not quite sure how...

Client: But the main thing is, are you listening?...it has to be ironic. Obviously ironic, not accidentally ironic, because that's what will sell it

Me: Sell...

Client: It. Yes.

Me: You want to sell the Wii?

Client: Who's going to buy we? It's of no use to anyone is it?

Me: Well, possibly, but I think people quite like them

Client: What's to like? You're not really on top of what's happening out there are you? You really should read the Mail on Sunday you know. Anyway, nettles, weeds, mobile phones, floppy grass, we, that sort of thing, but very stylish and minimalist.

Me: You don't mean we or Wii do you, you mean WEEE

Client: No I don't mean whee! I don't want a playground for God's sake! Look it up. Oh and batteries too, I want lots of batteries but not own brand ones, not Morrisons or Asda or anything, you know chavvish like that. Batteries with pretty colours. Duracell are nice, all that black and gold. Tasteful. I'm really excited about this. When can we start?

Return of the Native

Hello, I'm back! Did you miss me? No, of course you didn't. You've all been too busy suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. I know that's not exactly apposite but never mind. It's a wonderful day, the sun's shining, and all's good with the world...sort of.

So what have I been up to? Well, for one thing, I've started giving illustrated talks. Yes, really...I've got a projector and everything. On the whole they're going down quite well but I did one recently for an over sixties club which went a bit wobbly for a while.

My subject was the fascinating, sexy, irresistible Sir Joseph Banks (well I do lead a quiet life on the whole). I'd been going on for about thirty minutes about his voyage on the Endeavour with James Cook when a hand was raised. "Yes dear but what about today's traffic?" Apparently half the audience had been told the talk was from someone from the Driving Agency about their Arrive Alive Road Safety Programme and they were waiting patiently for me to get to the point. Still, happy ending. They've asked me back!

What's in a name?

I've just read an article by a chap called Tim Richardson in The Garden Design Journal about the importance of using the right sort of name for your garden design business.

While I was still at college I decided to get some business cards printed, but what to call myself? Now I live in a village called Loose and (very briefly) considered Loose Woman Garden Design. I can't help but think that if I had gone with that one I might have been getting a few more telephone calls than I am at the moment...

Back from Iceland

Not because Iceland is the latest Big Issue seller on the block but because I was never there in the first place. To all you lovely people who read my last post and wished me good luck in my new career in Iceland, apologies. It was a joke. Just not a funny one that anyone got. No, my real reason for lack of posts in recent weeks is far more mundane.

Being a bit concerned about the current downturn in the economy I decided to take pretty much any job that came my way. As a result I've been working flat out pruning, digging, dividing, hedge trimming etc. Although I'm currently extremely fit (six hours straight digging will do that for you) I'm also so knackered by the end of the day that it's as much as I can do to keep house and home together, let alone write a blog!

My clever plan has backfired on me a bit because so far there seems no shortage of people looking to get their gardens designed so I'm a bit snowed under on that front too. I'm not sure why this is. Maybe as people aren't moving because house prices have plummeted, they are deciding to invest in a new garden instead. Or perhaps they think that as they won't be having expensive holidays for a while they might as well enjoy their own back yard.

Ah well, back to the fork and wheelbarrow...

Versailles rejected

My new client is no more. We have decided to abandon our attempt to create a garden together, mainly because I shall be going to work on a large garden in Iceland for the forseeable future. And after that I'm taking up cat breeding. Here's how the last (and final) meeting went:

Me: (Handing over a couple of outline proposals) I thought you might like to take a look at these. They're only rough ideas as yet but...

Client: Well I'm glad you dropped that water idea

Me: (Stunned silence)

Client: Anyway, I've been doing a bit of research myself. You know the Mail on Sunday?

Me: I don't actually rea....

Client: Well I really like that Tim Piggot-Smith's garden.

Me: The actor?

Client: Is he? I didn't know that. You read it then?

Me: No, I just...

Client: It's very famous. I'm surprised you don't know about it

Me: I can probably...

Client: I don't want those tin bath things though

Me: Tin...

Client: Baths, no. What I was thinking was, stainless steel would be much better. See if you could do that instead

Me: Instead of what?

Client: Well, tin, obviously. Oh and he had some of these round tree things. I'd like some of those too. They were really nice, very unusual. They were crowd pruned

Me: Crowd pruned...? (Brain finally catching up, breathless and incredulous) Was this garden at Chelsea?

Client: I don't know where he lives

Me: No, I mean the flower show

Client: I'm really excited about this. When can we start?

Anonymity

Back in the mists of time when I first started blogging...well May actually, but who's counting...I, in my innocence, created this blog under my own name. At the time I didn't even notice that most bloggers write under pseudonyms. Up until now it hasn't bothered me, but I have a new client who is so completely off the wall that I'm convinced I could simply write up a transcript of our conversations and get it accepted for a new sit com ...or at the very least for the sometimes God-awful 6.30 comedy slot on Radio 4.



On the extremely unlikely off-chance she reads gardening blogs (she got rid of her computer because it attracted too much dust) I can't write in too much detail about the surreal meeting I had with her recently, but I'll give you this little taster.



Client: I want to do something really radical with this space

Me: Perhaps you'd like to take a look at these (hands over a file containing images of plants, buildings, garden styles, textures, shapes, blah, blah, blah)

Client: Yes, that one

Me: That's Versailles

Client: I'm not sure about the water

Me: But it's Versailles. It's in the file to inspire and give an idea of....

Client: Could it have some sort of cover over it?

Me: It covers more than 100 acres

Client: Well obviously not that big

Me: I thought you might be interested in these (points out some very nice designs of courtyard gardens). They're about the same size as...

Client: There are a lot of corners. I much prefer the open feel of this.

Me: Maybe we could...

Client: Do you do topiary?

Me: Well yes, but...

Client: I'm so excited about this. When do you think we could start?

Lil's return

She's back, full of the joy of life and completely unaware of how close she came to meeting her maker. Yesterday, for the first time since the accident, my lovely Lily was allowed to run off her harness (she can't have a lead yet because of the injury to her neck) and did she enjoy it! I, on the other hand, was on tenterhooks in case she jumped too high, or ran too fast, or (God forbid) picked up a stick and swallowed it. She can't quite understand my reaction when she picks one up, which she does, often.

We were out for just 30 minutes, as opposed to her usual two hours, but when we got home she crashed out as though she had been running all day.

I took her to my favourite place in the whole world, along the Greensand Ridge to a place called Boughton Monchelsea (http://www.boughtonplace.co.uk/). From the ridge you look out over an ancient deer park to the Weald of Kent below. We walk there often, and I always come away from it feeling uplifted.

Anyway, things are thankfully getting back to normal...lots of gardening and pottering about the allotment, a fair bit of design work, and rehearsing for a play I'm in in the autumn, 'Stepping Out', which involves learning to tap dance! Now I'm no Cyd Charisse but I'm really enjoying the old step ball change and cramp rolls - even though it was so hot last night that we were all begging for mercy after two hours!

One more final pic of Lil and I promise I won't bore you any more. It's just so great that she's survived it and can still give me that quizzical, enthusiastic, optimistic stare...

Land grabbing and comedians

You know how, when you've been away from home, you notice things to which you've previously been oblivious? Well yesterday I took Lily for therapeutic stroll around my village, Loose in Kent (see my previous post Lovely Lily to find out who and why), and noticed some pretty obscure signs in windows and on lamp posts. Signs bearing messages like ‘BEWARE! ANTLERS LOOSE’, ‘LEE VE LOOSE ALONE’ and ‘LEE HURTS LOOSE’. Now, I know what this is all about, but the average visitor to the village would find the signs completely incomprehensible. So let me enlighten you on the matter of this very English protest.

Some years ago, there was an OKish bungalow in the village (a conservation area) which came onto the market. Attached to it were a very productive apple orchard and a large garden. Enter Lee Hurst, who bought it. Much excitement ensued. We were going to have a 'celebrity' living amongst us, because Lee Hurst is a comedian. No, really. He earns his living as an alternative, right-on, slightly leftish, politically correct comedian. Except he never moved in. Over the years the property deteriorated, as did the neglected orchard and garden. Trees were felled without permission (I repeat, this is a conservation area) and it gradually turned from an attractive home and small fruit smallholding into something of an eyesore.

Now given Lee’s ‘alternative comedian’ credentials, it may come as a bit of a surprise to learn tha

t the reason the village is up in arms and peppered with these weird signs is that the bungal

ow and land, which amount to some nine acres in all, are now the subject of a planning application to te

ar them down and replace them with an initial six 'executive homes' to be built by Antler Homes http://www.antlerhomes.co.uk/content/home/s

plash.asp) who argue that, having been left to deteriorate for some years, the site is now categorized as Brownfield (http://www.uklanddirectory.org.uk/brownfield.asp), thus sidestepping the conservation regulations. Although rejected twice the application has gone now gone to appeal.

Loose responded with a protest meeting, when nearly the whole village turned out wielding our placards (http://www.kentmessenger.co.uk/news/default.asp?article_id=43363&newspage=1). We have now been dragged into the fight against the current, mad, greed-inspired rush to turn most of south-eastern England into a housing estate. http://www.kentnews.co.uk/kent-news/Comic-Lee-Hurst-isn_t-funny-say-villagers-newsinkent13453.aspx?news=local Will our protest succeed, or will greed and shortsightedness prevail? Surely something has to be done to stop good, fertile, food producing land falling prey to landgrabbing comedians?