I've got an allotment, and before you imagine you can hear the creak of someone jumping onto the bandwagon or think that I've gone all Joe Swifty, I've had mine for 15 years. Yes, back in the days when you were allowed a bit of convulvulus and sheds didn't have curtains from Kath Whatsername. I've also got a completely bonkers allotment neighbour.
'You don't find many of these around nowadays' he boomed the other day, effortlessly finding me as I hid behind the sweetcorn. 'It's really useful. Look.' Dropping to his knees he started stabbing at a row of beetroot.
'It's a hoe'
'You just don't find them anymore. Look at the workmanship'
'But, it's a hoe'
At this point he gave me the sort of pitying look I'd give him if I wasn't so nice (cowardly.)
'Why don't you get a handle put on it?'
'Now there's an idea. I know just the man for the job too. Real craftsman.'
Two days later he turned up with a broom handle stuck into the hoe. I was weeding on my knees with a hand fork, anathema to a hoer (which sounds a bit like an Irish lady of the night except that we don't get many of them on the allotments).
'I'd lend it to you, but you have to know how to use it properly' he said, just before the handle fell off.
Tuesday, 25 August 2009
Monday, 24 August 2009
Fame!
I've just had an e-mail from Interflora to say Weeding Between the Lines has been chosen as one of their top 50 flower and gardening blogs. All very nice and flattering I must say, but also slightly mystifying as I haven't written anything for ages! It's reminded me what I'm missing though, so look out for a bit more from me soon.
Monday, 9 February 2009
She's back
Ring ring, ring ring.
Me: (Forgetting to check the number display) Hello
Client: Hi, it's me. How have you been?
Me: Well I...
Client: Really? Wow that's great. Fantastic. Anyway, I've gone into property so I thought, you know, that you could do a garden for a little house I'm buying
Me: Into property...?
Client: All these repossessions. Isn't it great? So what I was thinking was, I'd like something ironic
Me: Ironic...
Client: Yeah, I want to tap into the zeitgeist. Irony is so right, at this moment in time
Me: So a rightgeist then
Client: What?
Me: Nothing
Client: I want you to do something involving we
Me: We?
Client: Yes.
Me: Us?
Client: Well, you mainly
Me: So who's we
Client: I don't know. Anyone's
Me: I think I can hear my...er...cat...
Client: We is really important
Me: (Humour her, humour her) Are we?
Client: No, no, no! We, we, we, we...God, it's not that hard. It's all over the papers at the moment. Did you read that thing in the Mail on Sunday?
Me: No, I don't rea...
Client: Well, you know, it's very current. Very now. You must have heard about we.
Me: We? Oh Wii! Do you mean Wii? You want to include Wii in the design?
Client: Well, yesss. Duh!
Me: Erm...
Client: Lots of it, and nettles and things. You know, sort of post-apocalyptic
Me: I'm not quite sure how...
Client: But the main thing is, are you listening?...it has to be ironic. Obviously ironic, not accidentally ironic, because that's what will sell it
Me: Sell...
Client: It. Yes.
Me: You want to sell the Wii?
Client: Who's going to buy we? It's of no use to anyone is it?
Me: Well, possibly, but I think people quite like them
Client: What's to like? You're not really on top of what's happening out there are you? You really should read the Mail on Sunday you know. Anyway, nettles, weeds, mobile phones, floppy grass, we, that sort of thing, but very stylish and minimalist.
Me: You don't mean we or Wii do you, you mean WEEE
Client: No I don't mean whee! I don't want a playground for God's sake! Look it up. Oh and batteries too, I want lots of batteries but not own brand ones, not Morrisons or Asda or anything, you know chavvish like that. Batteries with pretty colours. Duracell are nice, all that black and gold. Tasteful. I'm really excited about this. When can we start?
Me: (Forgetting to check the number display) Hello
Client: Hi, it's me. How have you been?
Me: Well I...
Client: Really? Wow that's great. Fantastic. Anyway, I've gone into property so I thought, you know, that you could do a garden for a little house I'm buying
Me: Into property...?
Client: All these repossessions. Isn't it great? So what I was thinking was, I'd like something ironic
Me: Ironic...
Client: Yeah, I want to tap into the zeitgeist. Irony is so right, at this moment in time
Me: So a rightgeist then
Client: What?
Me: Nothing
Client: I want you to do something involving we
Me: We?
Client: Yes.
Me: Us?
Client: Well, you mainly
Me: So who's we
Client: I don't know. Anyone's
Me: I think I can hear my...er...cat...
Client: We is really important
Me: (Humour her, humour her) Are we?
Client: No, no, no! We, we, we, we...God, it's not that hard. It's all over the papers at the moment. Did you read that thing in the Mail on Sunday?
Me: No, I don't rea...
Client: Well, you know, it's very current. Very now. You must have heard about we.
Me: We? Oh Wii! Do you mean Wii? You want to include Wii in the design?
Client: Well, yesss. Duh!
Me: Erm...
Client: Lots of it, and nettles and things. You know, sort of post-apocalyptic
Me: I'm not quite sure how...
Client: But the main thing is, are you listening?...it has to be ironic. Obviously ironic, not accidentally ironic, because that's what will sell it
Me: Sell...
Client: It. Yes.
Me: You want to sell the Wii?
Client: Who's going to buy we? It's of no use to anyone is it?
Me: Well, possibly, but I think people quite like them
Client: What's to like? You're not really on top of what's happening out there are you? You really should read the Mail on Sunday you know. Anyway, nettles, weeds, mobile phones, floppy grass, we, that sort of thing, but very stylish and minimalist.
Me: You don't mean we or Wii do you, you mean WEEE
Client: No I don't mean whee! I don't want a playground for God's sake! Look it up. Oh and batteries too, I want lots of batteries but not own brand ones, not Morrisons or Asda or anything, you know chavvish like that. Batteries with pretty colours. Duracell are nice, all that black and gold. Tasteful. I'm really excited about this. When can we start?
Friday, 30 January 2009
Return of the Native
Hello, I'm back! Did you miss me? No, of course you didn't. You've all been too busy suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. I know that's not exactly apposite but never mind. It's a wonderful day, the sun's shining, and all's good with the world...sort of.
So what have I been up to? Well, for one thing, I've started giving illustrated talks. Yes, really...I've got a projector and everything. On the whole they're going down quite well but I did one recently for an over sixties club which went a bit wobbly for a while.
My subject was the fascinating, sexy, irresistible Sir Joseph Banks (well I do lead a quiet life on the whole). I'd been going on for about thirty minutes about his voyage on the Endeavour with James Cook when a hand was raised. "Yes dear but what about today's traffic?" Apparently half the audience had been told the talk was from someone from the Driving Agency about their Arrive Alive Road Safety Programme and they were waiting patiently for me to get to the point. Still, happy ending. They've asked me back!
What's in a name?
I've just read an article by a chap called Tim Richardson in The Garden Design Journal about the importance of using the right sort of name for your garden design business.
While I was still at college I decided to get some business cards printed, but what to call myself? Now I live in a village called Loose and (very briefly) considered Loose Woman Garden Design. I can't help but think that if I had gone with that one I might have been getting a few more telephone calls than I am at the moment...
So what have I been up to? Well, for one thing, I've started giving illustrated talks. Yes, really...I've got a projector and everything. On the whole they're going down quite well but I did one recently for an over sixties club which went a bit wobbly for a while.
My subject was the fascinating, sexy, irresistible Sir Joseph Banks (well I do lead a quiet life on the whole). I'd been going on for about thirty minutes about his voyage on the Endeavour with James Cook when a hand was raised. "Yes dear but what about today's traffic?" Apparently half the audience had been told the talk was from someone from the Driving Agency about their Arrive Alive Road Safety Programme and they were waiting patiently for me to get to the point. Still, happy ending. They've asked me back!
What's in a name?
I've just read an article by a chap called Tim Richardson in The Garden Design Journal about the importance of using the right sort of name for your garden design business.
While I was still at college I decided to get some business cards printed, but what to call myself? Now I live in a village called Loose and (very briefly) considered Loose Woman Garden Design. I can't help but think that if I had gone with that one I might have been getting a few more telephone calls than I am at the moment...
Saturday, 11 October 2008
Back from Iceland
Not because Iceland is the latest Big Issue seller on the block but because I was never there in the first place. To all you lovely people who read my last post and wished me good luck in my new career in Iceland, apologies. It was a joke. Just not a funny one that anyone got. No, my real reason for lack of posts in recent weeks is far more mundane.
Being a bit concerned about the current downturn in the economy I decided to take pretty much any job that came my way. As a result I've been working flat out pruning, digging, dividing, hedge trimming etc. Although I'm currently extremely fit (six hours straight digging will do that for you) I'm also so knackered by the end of the day that it's as much as I can do to keep house and home together, let alone write a blog!
My clever plan has backfired on me a bit because so far there seems no shortage of people looking to get their gardens designed so I'm a bit snowed under on that front too. I'm not sure why this is. Maybe as people aren't moving because house prices have plummeted, they are deciding to invest in a new garden instead. Or perhaps they think that as they won't be having expensive holidays for a while they might as well enjoy their own back yard.
Ah well, back to the fork and wheelbarrow...
Being a bit concerned about the current downturn in the economy I decided to take pretty much any job that came my way. As a result I've been working flat out pruning, digging, dividing, hedge trimming etc. Although I'm currently extremely fit (six hours straight digging will do that for you) I'm also so knackered by the end of the day that it's as much as I can do to keep house and home together, let alone write a blog!
My clever plan has backfired on me a bit because so far there seems no shortage of people looking to get their gardens designed so I'm a bit snowed under on that front too. I'm not sure why this is. Maybe as people aren't moving because house prices have plummeted, they are deciding to invest in a new garden instead. Or perhaps they think that as they won't be having expensive holidays for a while they might as well enjoy their own back yard.
Ah well, back to the fork and wheelbarrow...
Friday, 15 August 2008
Versailles rejected
My new client is no more. We have decided to abandon our attempt to create a garden together, mainly because I shall be going to work on a large garden in Iceland for the forseeable future. And after that I'm taking up cat breeding. Here's how the last (and final) meeting went:
Me: (Handing over a couple of outline proposals) I thought you might like to take a look at these. They're only rough ideas as yet but...
Client: Well I'm glad you dropped that water idea
Me: (Stunned silence)
Client: Anyway, I've been doing a bit of research myself. You know the Mail on Sunday?
Me: I don't actually rea....
Client: Well I really like that Tim Piggot-Smith's garden.
Me: The actor?
Client: Is he? I didn't know that. You read it then?
Me: No, I just...
Client: It's very famous. I'm surprised you don't know about it
Me: I can probably...
Client: I don't want those tin bath things though
Me: Tin...
Client: Baths, no. What I was thinking was, stainless steel would be much better. See if you could do that instead
Me: Instead of what?
Client: Well, tin, obviously. Oh and he had some of these round tree things. I'd like some of those too. They were really nice, very unusual. They were crowd pruned
Me: Crowd pruned...? (Brain finally catching up, breathless and incredulous) Was this garden at Chelsea?
Client: I don't know where he lives
Me: No, I mean the flower show
Client: I'm really excited about this. When can we start?
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